Phil 2, I Cor 13 – How does scripture and love for one another change our dating life?
Usually in the beginning stages of dating, someone becomes the 30 and someone becomes the 70. Some people don’t like this little theory, but I am not saying that is always the case.
But some people like someone 30% and the other might like them 70%. I have been both. When you are the 70%, it is really hard. It doesn’t feel very good, because you put yourself out there and the other person doesn’t like you as much as you like them. When you are the 30%, you have to realize that it is often a good time to end it. They are the 70 and you are the 30. Someone told Mandy yesterday that they were a 30 and I thought it was pretty funny that it is getting out there.
As dating becomes more serious.There are different ways that the transition into serious dating happens. I know this can be frustrating because one person might want to accelerate it and the other might not. In College we called them DTR conversations – define the relationship. Then we started calling them RCF conversations – reclarifying the friendship. Those were mine. When I was the 70% in College, I told a girl that I wanted to get more serious and start dating and the conversation was not a DTR, it was RCF – a reclarify the friendship.
I understand that not everyone will agree with this statement: But I believe this is the guys’ responsibility to start this conversation to take it to the next level. I know many girls who get into this where they are ready to accelerate to serious dating and they bring it up or they really want to bring it up. Usually that puts the guy on the defensive. It may be rushing him into something that he is not sure of. If he was going to say something – you will never know. My guess is that for most of the guys – they are going to go slower than the girls. It just takes us longer to process, make decisions, and even see that we are getting to that point. And my guess is that you want him to lead out in that way in your relationship.
The physical purity question becomes harder and harder. It doesn’t get any easier. It is more important even here that you talk about how to glorify God in your body (I Cor 6). That is the answer. I think you need to talk about it in this stage of dating. I know it feels awkward, but I think it will be most effective. If you are in a relationship where you are having sex or even struggling with the physical spiral – one thing leads to another which leads to another. There is a reason – because all physical intimacy is designed to be foreplay – which is designed to be an onramp to sex. So that is why when you start down that path, your natural desires are for sex. It is really hard to put the brakes on. These are not rules for rules sake. These are things that will help your relationship if you break up and also if you get married. If you get married, you will be so glad that you waited. Your body is not your own. And in fact once you get married, your body is your spouse’s.
It is really hard to think about the future, but it takes self-controlled to think about the future instead of what we want right now. We have to remember that dating is a process of putting others interests ahead of our own. It isn’t about instant gratification like other things in our culture. It isn’t something for you to consume. It isn’t something for you to get what you want.
One of my friends wrote: The great benefit of abstaining from sexual union outside marriage is that we gain a clear grasp of need. We as Westerners are far too calloused against need; if we want it, we take it. If we want vacation now, we don’t save money for it, we go into debt and leave now. If we want a steak, we find a way to justify spending $25 on a plate, and eat. Need is a thing of the past. But need is the very thing that keeps us submitted to Christ. If we have no need, Christ goes out the door. This is one of the greatest dangers of our present-day culture.
Remember that dating is about patiently loving them, caring for their interests, thinking about the future and having self-control. Living with the same values that we would have with anyone in the community of the church.
ISSUES PHASE
As dating gets more serious, it is not only the sexual temptation that gets more difficult. When a couple has been dating for a few months, they get into what I call the issues phase. The issues phase is not bad. Most people who are in their first relationship think something is terribly wrong. What happened to how much fun we were having? We are still having fun but we are also having difficult conversations about how we treat each other. All of sudden things that you never thought would bother you start to bother you. But this is not bad. In fact I think it is part of the process of getting more serious. You are beginning to weigh the costs of dating someone. You are beginning to see what you are losing, what you are gaining and you are having all kinds of unsaid expectations.
My advice during the issues phase is to persevere and to communicate, communicate, communicate. These conversations will wear you out. Likely they will start about 10:30 when you have a 20 minute drive home and you will stay up late. It used to be that you stayed up late talking, sharing stories, laughing… now you are staying up late talking about issues, what someone did wrong, expectations. I will guarantee you that they will be hard conversations. And if in this stage, it becomes apparent that it is probably not going to work out, it is ok to end it. During the Issues phase – you learn how to communicate, how to deal with conflict. You learn expectations that you didn’t know. You understand more about some of the deeper either hurts, or experiences of the person. You also dive into dialectics - which are opposites in your personality. For example: Mandy is a task oriented person and I am a people oriented person. In this phase, you have to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Talking about Expectations is huge. Most of us unfortunately don’t know that we have expectations until after they came about. Talk about them. Tell each other what your expectation is. I have a tendency to think that almost all conflict in marriage or in dating comes about by unsaid or unmet expectations. This is the phase where sometimes dating each other will feel like work.
But also during this phase is when a lot of couples decide to break up. Either mutually or not. Don’t hang on to something if it is not working. You will know if you are trying to force it. It is best to break it off if you know that you are either settling, forcing it or trying to make something work that isn’t going to work. It will only cause more pain later.
Breaking Up
Seriously breaking up is never easy. In fact it is usually really hard. It seems like everything is ok once you have had the long talk, but then it is awkward. And some people you break up with are never not awkward. Most of us have probably experienced this in some form or fashion.
If physical intimacy has been kept at bay, breaking up is easier. No matter how much you think you can be physically intimate with someone without getting emotionally involved. Those are the break-ups that cause communities to polarize.
I call breaking up a process rather than an event. It is a process that starts before it happens with questioning, praying hopefully, reasoning, probably some conversations beforehand. And it is a process afterward too. Closure is not something that happens overnight. There is often grieving. Which leads to all kinds of emotions.
1. I’m ok emotion – feel great and not worried about it – last as short as 15 minutes on the way home or for a couple of days. Some will feel relief here, because it was something that God wanted them to do. But there will be differing levels of grief.
2. Not necessarily in this order… but then you have the “whew, I dodged the bullet of the really bad guy” emotion. He was bad at… He didn’t understand me… I think he cussed once. He combed his hair weird. Every possible bad thing comes up in the mind to try and soothe yourself. This is when sometimes you tell your friends things that aren’t helpful and sometimes friends get on the good guys team. That can be hard because if you get back together – it makes it hard for everyone.
Then it shifts to the missing them portion. Missing someone that you possibly talked to everyday. Something really funny happens and you want to email or call them, but you really can’t.
The awkwardness (“live through this and you won’t look back.”). You both stay at home for church because you want to make it easier on the other person, but then you accidentally both go to Gateway and see each other. Just kidding. Either way, at some point you show up and see each other. No one else (except for close friends) feels the awkwardness. But you both feel it. You have to get through the first meeting. Work hard at not making it awkward and it will only get easier as time goes on. Then usually the normal stages of grief. For some really hard – depending on how long you dated, etc.
At a certain place in dating and it is different for everyone – there needs to be a place where the relationship is going. Dating just to date is not something that is putting others interests above your own interests. Guys get a bad wrap for dating for too long and not having intentions. You can date for as long as right for you as a couple. Every couple is different. When we were dating, two couples that started dating the same time got engaged pretty early on. We dated for one year before we got engaged. That doesn’t mean that is right or not right. But I started feeling pressure from these couples. Don’t feel pressure. You have to be your own couple. That is one of the unique things about a dating relationship – it is yours. No one actually knows what your relationship is like.
If you are thinking about getting engaged. I think it is a good idea to get some feedback on that. I think it can be good to meet with a couple that you respect and ask them what questions you would ask them… Talk about some of your fears here. I talked to my friends about my parents divorce and Mandy and I talked about how both of our parents were divorced that we needed mentors in the area of marriage.
My Conclusion is that we typically compartmentalize things into spiritual things and unspiritual things. And for some reason, many of us think as marriage as a spiritual thing and dating as an unspiritual thing. My encouragement not only in dating but in all of life is de-compartmentalize. God is concerned with all things in your life and I think especially relationships – whether dating or the other. God is a relational God. He wants us to treat each other with mercy, grace, truth, holiness, that He has created in us. So take God into your dating. Pray about dates. Don’t just ask people about what they think is pure, ask the Lord. Seek to find God in your dating relationships. Love each person whether you date for 2 years or just 2 dates – as I cor 13 talks about and as Phil 2 talks about. Not only those you date, but all people.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Great Resources
These are some of the best messages I have heard on our postmodern culture. I really recommend the one by Tim Keller. I just appreciate their commitment to keep Christ central in the midst of our changing culture. Enjoy.
http://www.desiringgod.org/Events/NationalConferences/Archives/2006/
http://www.desiringgod.org/Events/NationalConferences/Archives/2006/
Scraping The Surface of History
Earlier this year, I taught this class on theology in a postmodern culture and in the first week, I raced through history to explain to some degree where we are as a culture. I recognize that this doesn't do justice to all the complexities of history, but it is a survey. It is vastly stereotypical and mostly focuses on Europe and America. Most of these notes are taken directly from three lectures I have heard on the subject and also some books that I have read on the subjec as well. People have asked me for these notes, so I thought I would put up here on the blog: Premodern: called the Medieval World – 500-1500Plato, Augustine, AquinasThere is a comprehensive explanation for all of reality and history. Reality and history are comprehensible to humanity, at least to some degree. There is more to reality than what we can see, hear, smell, taste or touch. Human fulfillment requires a correct adjustment to these unseen realities.The Priest – is a good representation of this period – The culture is bound together by the Priesthood’s divine authority, revealed beliefs, sanctioned customs, absolute rules and accepted rituals.Theology of the premodern era – mystical. Read Augustine and they are not wrestling with the same questions that we were or are. There is no question of if there is a God. God was mystically changing their lives. No Quiet Times – you learned when the scripture was read and when the priest spoke. There is very little questioning of Catholicism or Tradition. No Questioning that the sun revolves around the earth. Modern Era – 1500-2000Things that bring about great change: Printing Press, Reformation, Descartes, Locke, Newton, Kant, Darwin. Decartes coined the phrase: "I think, therefore I am." In the modern era, there is great confidence in the value of knowledge and the belief in progress. Objectivity is both desirable and possible. All beliefs are justified with reference to a set of self-evident, foundational beliefs. The world’s order is usually believed to be intrinsic and immanent, rather than derived from a transcendent source.The Enlightenment sought to replace faith in God with human reason. Science was assumed to be capable of revealing the whole truth about the universe. The Modern stressed the value of individual potential, achievement, freedom and fulfillment. Lets not forget this was when America was born! Ultimately the Modern believed that science could lead to morality.A great representation of the Modern Era: The Scientist – clad in white lab coat represents modern culture, feeling skeptical of and superior to, premodern culture with its rules and superstitions. He stands erect and proud, confident in individualism (I am free to pursue my own happiness), rationalism (research and reason can find the truth), technology (we can control nature for our good), and progress (we are getting better).Dr. Jeffrey Bingham from Dalla Seminary tells us about the gifts that the Modern Era gave us. 1. Rationalism – not appreciation of reason, it is the elevation of reason. Reason informs revelation, experience, tradition. Don’t stake your life on anything unless it is reasonable. Mathematics – formulas make sense.2. Individualism – what I do w/ my mind now is the main determination of what is valid. Communities would be helpful to help individuals authority.Christianity is communal, salvation is shared, we all have the same Holy Spirit. The Bible doesn’t talk nearly as much as we do about a person, private relationship with God. Relationship with God happens in the context of relationships of others.3. Presentism – present over past – what I inherit from the past is not as valid as what I think now. Best thinking that has ever been done is done right now. Tradition has become a dirty word.Dr. Bingham would say that nothing that is essential in Christianity – was not around at Pentecost or when Peter said that we have all we need for life and godliness. In many ways Postmodernity is finding more truth in the past rather than the present.Bingham used to say that “ Tradition/Community is the chaperone when I am on a date with the bible – because I may not be gentlemanly with the bible.” I thought that was pretty funny, but also pretty true.4. Secularism – existence is verified by our own thought not by anything outside. Natural over supernatural. The German Theologians in this era took everything supernatural out of the bible. In an attempt to make it relevant, they took the power out of the Scriptures.The Modern church has led to some characteristics that fit with the modern way of thinking. For example: Apologetics – because it has to make sense and the argument has to be won; Systematic Theology – forumulaic, scientific approach to theology; Quiet Times – very individualistic; Commentaries – academic view of Scripture; Abandoning of Liturgy – because we can do it better now than anyone did it in the past; Secularization of the church - to make it more relevant; and finally the very individualistic view of scripture – we take plural “yous” and make them individual.The Postmodern Era: Postmoderns all of a sudden say that reason was no longer authoritative because look at where it has taken us. Civil War in the Great Enlightenment Country doesn’t add up, WW1, WW2. Science didn't make us more moral.There is hardly any hope – still pursuing happiness, but there is no anchor to hold on to – no hope to find authentic happiness for everyone. I make me happy and you do it too. Human existence boils down to taste and tolerance.In the postmodern era, we are confronted with new changes such as the Internet, wars, technology. In many ways the postmodern era is when rationalism fails, science fails and when we have given up the belief that there is a goal, a flow, or a meaning to history. There is little to no absolutism. Postmodernity gives up on the idea that there is a truth that is both universal and eternal. Also it stops believing that their culture is the best (ethnocentrism, multiculturalism). A postmodern doesn't trust authority - why would they? All authority has let us down (the pastor, the teacher, the leader, the boy scout leader).The Postmodern is the rock musician clad in almost anything. He is disappointed with disillusioned with, and suspicious of both priest and scientist.Postmodern is the cultural outlook that puts faith in nothing that has not been shown by experience to work or be trustworthy. Relativism, syncretism, cultural pessimism.Leonard Sweet: AuthorFrom rational – experientialFrom representative – to participatoryFrom word based to image drivenFrom individual to communalDarrell Bock: DTS ProfessorFrom propositions to storiesFrom theology aimed at preparing for death to preparing a theology for lifeFrom church as a place where people come or attend to a mission outpost that sends people out.From salvation as an event to a journey of salvation (process)From a Western understanding of the gospel to a worldwide view.I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Most of this comes from the lectures from Michael Gleghorn from Probe Ministries in Dallas, Brian Wallace to our FEFC elders, Dr. Jeffrey Bingham from DTS as well as Brian McLaren, Reggie McNeal and other authors who have helped me to understand this era better. Let me know what you notice in your world where you live. Also, the goal is to be ambassadors of Christ bringing the ministry of reconciliation to this generation. Lets pray that we can contextualize the gospel in creative, fresh ways that will reach our culture.
Posted by Fritsche at 10:54 AM 0 comments
Posted by Fritsche at 10:54 AM 0 comments
Dating - the early years
Dating is a cultural thing here in America. It is not a biblical idea, but it is a cultural thing. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it is bad. So if dating is a cultural thing and not so much a biblical thing, we have to ask how does the Bible inform us in dating. Or in other words how do we as distinctively Christian people date?
I tend to think that the scriptures that talk about relationships are a good place to start. My hope is that our views of relationships in community are the same views that we take into dating. Lets look at 1 Corinthians 13: the love chapter – by the way the context of this passage is not marriage or dating – instead it is how to work together as the Body of Christ. We also look at Philippians and recognize that we are to put other's interests ahead of our own. How do we apply that in dating? That is what my purpose is here.
We have to first understand our "rules" within our community for dating. You have likely heard me say this before. If a guy asks someone on a date – that simply means “Hey I would like to get to know you better, can we go out sometime.” We put a lot of stock in ooooh… it is a “first date.” Actually it is a date. By using the word, “first” you are implying that there is a second date. When a guy asks a girl on a date or to get together. The expectation should be that we will meet once to get to know each other better. At the end of the time and the guy says thanks and doesn’t ask you out again. He is not a jerk or a player. He is simply done with his expectation of getting to know you better. And if the girl says, no thanks to a second date, she is not a jerk, she has gotten to know you better and you guys can be better friends. The hope is that this would take the expectation off of the date. Now we all realize that dating is a process that many of us hope will go further than the date. But too many guys and too many girls get a bad wrap for simply not going on another date. There is freedom in dating without a ton of expectations in the beginning.
All of that is very logical and very easy to say. But we realize that it is hard, because even if we have perfect expectations, there is something lost there. We realize that even we might need to grieve for a bit the loss of not having another date. I am not saying it is easy by any means. I am saying that these expectations will hopefully set us up better to not kill our community when someone goes out on a date.
Then as we date, we often "take it to the next level." Often times when you go on a few dates and it seems like both people like each other and you begin dating. We have funny terms don’t we…. We go on a date. Then we start dating. No wonder we are all so confused. Now dating is for some people uncharted territory and for others a place with experience and therefore expectations. One potential danger is putting expectations on the dating relationship like others in the past. If you have dated quite a bit and had several boyfriends or girlfriends – it is really hard not to compare. But I want to encourage you to let this relationship be its own thing. Each person is unique. Don’t cast past relationships on your current one. Another potential pitfall is when you haven’t dated much, there are all kinds of fantasies, expectations and maybe even some “freaking out” about how much we talk, etc. This can be taking it the extreme of “now we are dating, therefore it is like we are married.” Or the other extreme where dating seems like an afterthought. - - It is neither an afterthought or a marriage. It is a dating relationship that needs to be treated with ultimate kindness, love like 1 Cor 13, and Philippians 2.
A few things for this phase:
1. Take it slow here!!!!
a. One reason you want to take it slow here is because your salvation is not in this person. This person is not the end all. This person brings you no salvation. He/She is not the source of your value, worth. They are a person that you are dating/getting to know better.
b. You are building a relationship and you have to start with the right foundations. Conversations – (by the way, if you get married to that person – your life will be a series of conversations with that person for the rest of your life).
c. I also say this because it is hard to take it slow here. The temptation is to spend all your time with this person. I know people who have been involved here in the Singles ministry and then they start dating someone and they stop coming. (the goal here is to grow spiritually in community – things you desperately need when you are dating) – don’t abandon your community….
2. Seek out community. Get involved with community – double dates and don’t forget to stay in touch with people/friends. Make commitments to keep in touch with some guys and even to ask them to hold you to a high standard of how you treat her. Get some real friends who can speak the truth to you. It is very easy in a relationship to pick out some “yes” friends who will tell you anything you want to hear. This girl in college that I was kinda dating – my roommate was just adamant. He was like – I don’t like her. I was a little offended, but once our relationship ended, all of my other friends said the same thing. I should have listened.
3. Go places where you can talk for long hours. This is a really fun stage of dating. Go to Magnolia and eat pancakes - it is open 24 hours. Typically this is what I call the honeymoon stage of dating. Before you get to what I call the “issue phase” of dating. I will talk more about that later.
4. Be humble. The temptation is to put your best foot forward, which everyone does, but do that in a humble way. Don’t feel the need to self-promote yourself. People you want to be with can tell someone who is “self-absorbed” in the first hour of a date. You aren’t a pro at putting others interests above your own. Give each other the benefit of the doubt as you grow in your trust for each other. Also realize that trust is just that – earned. It is not something that just comes really easy.
5. We could sum all of this up with the word Holiness. I think holiness in dating is things like faithfulness, humility, love, serving and sexual purity. We often think that holiness is only purity, but in my opinion holiness which is defined as separateness involves all of these things that we have been talking about. Dating in a distinctively Christian way.
Whenever I mention the word SEX - some of us have immediate thoughts of guilt and condemnation. Others of us immediately have the alarm go off in our head and associate anything with sexuality as bad. I believe that neither of these are from God. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Conviction is different than guilt. And sexuality is a gift from God that sin has perverted, but is not bad in and of itself.
Here are some thoughts on Sexuality from one of my single friends:
Sexuality is something that we have to talk about because we are confronted with it everyday. Sexuality is not bad. The bible says to flee sexual immorality not sexuality. For many of us, sexuality in relationships is very difficult because I tend to label anything associated with sexuality as bad. We are prodded to ‘stay pure’ in relationships, which causes me to polarize my thinking into anything that gives rise to sexual feelings as bad. That is such a dangerous thing to think, because sexuality is one of the greatest gifts in the world. Our sexuality ought never be repressed as if it were a bad thing. It does, however, need to be redeemed and conformed to Christ’s image.
In the same way, our desire for sex is not bad either. In fact, it is very good, but it gets us into so much trouble that it is hard to see it like that. So what is sexual desire for? It is the very present, tangible, visceral longing to be united. Christ hardwired in our very bodies a living theology, one that cries out for connection, sharing, and intimacy. We begin to anticipate each others’ thoughts, reactions, etc., and enjoy those facets of each other’s character. It is only natural, then, that we want to further that intimacy into its final stages: sexual union. In sexual union, the two actually become one. This is why we must be on our guard against sexual immorality prior to the marriage bed. With or without a girlfriend, we cannot allow our physical desire for union supplant or overshadow our spiritual desire for union. Spirituality plays on the level of the soul, which is far deeper, and therefore far more profound, than our physical desire.
I think that my friend is right. There is something in our design that plays itself out in our relationships. I have said it like this… physical intimacy, spiritual, emotional – one has to stay at bay. Especially in the beginning stages of a new relationship, physical boundaries are really important. Create boundaries early in the relationship or actually it is best to begin to create physical boundaries before the relationship.
As many of us know the physical part of a relationship is one of the more difficult areas to protect. We often ask the wrong question: “how far is too far?” That is the wrong question. The right question is what does God think is purity, holiness. Striving to live after him. Or what does it mean to glorify God in our body? This goes with everything right? You don’t ask the question.. how much pride can I act out before God gets mad. Instead it is how do I live in humility.
Read 1 Cor 6:13-20: It ends with You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. We as a culture are enslaved by sex. How do we know?
What our culture uses to sell – shows what we are enslaved to. I always feel so manipulated and shallow when a car company thinks that I am going to be more likely to buy a car because of a girl. But yet all research shows that sex sells. Therefore we have to realize that we as a culture are enslaved to it. As Paul said in Romans 6:12–14, Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal bodies....
What I find so funny is that sex in our culture is portrayed as the end all. It is the union like my friend said that we truly desire. But many of us try and use sex as a fast forward or instant gratification to that intimacy. And even sex is not the end of marriage – oneness is. It is not my ultimate satisfaction and fulfillment in marriage. My ultimate satisfaction is not found in anything earthly. My ultimate satisfaction is found in things that are heavenly… in Christ alone.
Though sin tells us to rebel against this… We are owned by God. He made us and knows what is ultimately good for us. He sent JC into the world to overcome our rebellion and to purchase us with a price. That is what the word redemption means – to be bought with a price. So Paul says glorify God in your body. That is our sole goal with our body! It is not to get as much sex as possible, it is to glorify God in your body. That is completely countercultural isn’t it? God is concerned with what you do with your body. He created them, bought them, he owns them, He indwells them and what we do with them demonstrates to the world who our Lord is.
God is pleased with sex in marriage because it is a permanent commitment. Sex therefore is the illustration of the permanent faithful union/intimacy that God has with us. Therefore sex outside of marriage does not tell a very good story about God’s love for us. I would encourage you to seek the purity that God wants in your body. And to decide that now.
But in the dating relationship, I can't stress enough that you need to COMMUNICATE about this struggle. I will assure you that it will be awkward, but it is worth it. There are all kinds of boundaries made. My old youth pastor used to say, no laying down, nothing below the neck, and nothing taken off. Those can be helpful.
Mostly I think we need to ask the question how would God be most glorified in my body? And the foundation of dating is that we love like 1 Cor 13, show grace like God has shown us, and put others interests above our own.
I tend to think that the scriptures that talk about relationships are a good place to start. My hope is that our views of relationships in community are the same views that we take into dating. Lets look at 1 Corinthians 13: the love chapter – by the way the context of this passage is not marriage or dating – instead it is how to work together as the Body of Christ. We also look at Philippians and recognize that we are to put other's interests ahead of our own. How do we apply that in dating? That is what my purpose is here.
We have to first understand our "rules" within our community for dating. You have likely heard me say this before. If a guy asks someone on a date – that simply means “Hey I would like to get to know you better, can we go out sometime.” We put a lot of stock in ooooh… it is a “first date.” Actually it is a date. By using the word, “first” you are implying that there is a second date. When a guy asks a girl on a date or to get together. The expectation should be that we will meet once to get to know each other better. At the end of the time and the guy says thanks and doesn’t ask you out again. He is not a jerk or a player. He is simply done with his expectation of getting to know you better. And if the girl says, no thanks to a second date, she is not a jerk, she has gotten to know you better and you guys can be better friends. The hope is that this would take the expectation off of the date. Now we all realize that dating is a process that many of us hope will go further than the date. But too many guys and too many girls get a bad wrap for simply not going on another date. There is freedom in dating without a ton of expectations in the beginning.
All of that is very logical and very easy to say. But we realize that it is hard, because even if we have perfect expectations, there is something lost there. We realize that even we might need to grieve for a bit the loss of not having another date. I am not saying it is easy by any means. I am saying that these expectations will hopefully set us up better to not kill our community when someone goes out on a date.
Then as we date, we often "take it to the next level." Often times when you go on a few dates and it seems like both people like each other and you begin dating. We have funny terms don’t we…. We go on a date. Then we start dating. No wonder we are all so confused. Now dating is for some people uncharted territory and for others a place with experience and therefore expectations. One potential danger is putting expectations on the dating relationship like others in the past. If you have dated quite a bit and had several boyfriends or girlfriends – it is really hard not to compare. But I want to encourage you to let this relationship be its own thing. Each person is unique. Don’t cast past relationships on your current one. Another potential pitfall is when you haven’t dated much, there are all kinds of fantasies, expectations and maybe even some “freaking out” about how much we talk, etc. This can be taking it the extreme of “now we are dating, therefore it is like we are married.” Or the other extreme where dating seems like an afterthought. - - It is neither an afterthought or a marriage. It is a dating relationship that needs to be treated with ultimate kindness, love like 1 Cor 13, and Philippians 2.
A few things for this phase:
1. Take it slow here!!!!
a. One reason you want to take it slow here is because your salvation is not in this person. This person is not the end all. This person brings you no salvation. He/She is not the source of your value, worth. They are a person that you are dating/getting to know better.
b. You are building a relationship and you have to start with the right foundations. Conversations – (by the way, if you get married to that person – your life will be a series of conversations with that person for the rest of your life).
c. I also say this because it is hard to take it slow here. The temptation is to spend all your time with this person. I know people who have been involved here in the Singles ministry and then they start dating someone and they stop coming. (the goal here is to grow spiritually in community – things you desperately need when you are dating) – don’t abandon your community….
2. Seek out community. Get involved with community – double dates and don’t forget to stay in touch with people/friends. Make commitments to keep in touch with some guys and even to ask them to hold you to a high standard of how you treat her. Get some real friends who can speak the truth to you. It is very easy in a relationship to pick out some “yes” friends who will tell you anything you want to hear. This girl in college that I was kinda dating – my roommate was just adamant. He was like – I don’t like her. I was a little offended, but once our relationship ended, all of my other friends said the same thing. I should have listened.
3. Go places where you can talk for long hours. This is a really fun stage of dating. Go to Magnolia and eat pancakes - it is open 24 hours. Typically this is what I call the honeymoon stage of dating. Before you get to what I call the “issue phase” of dating. I will talk more about that later.
4. Be humble. The temptation is to put your best foot forward, which everyone does, but do that in a humble way. Don’t feel the need to self-promote yourself. People you want to be with can tell someone who is “self-absorbed” in the first hour of a date. You aren’t a pro at putting others interests above your own. Give each other the benefit of the doubt as you grow in your trust for each other. Also realize that trust is just that – earned. It is not something that just comes really easy.
5. We could sum all of this up with the word Holiness. I think holiness in dating is things like faithfulness, humility, love, serving and sexual purity. We often think that holiness is only purity, but in my opinion holiness which is defined as separateness involves all of these things that we have been talking about. Dating in a distinctively Christian way.
Whenever I mention the word SEX - some of us have immediate thoughts of guilt and condemnation. Others of us immediately have the alarm go off in our head and associate anything with sexuality as bad. I believe that neither of these are from God. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Conviction is different than guilt. And sexuality is a gift from God that sin has perverted, but is not bad in and of itself.
Here are some thoughts on Sexuality from one of my single friends:
Sexuality is something that we have to talk about because we are confronted with it everyday. Sexuality is not bad. The bible says to flee sexual immorality not sexuality. For many of us, sexuality in relationships is very difficult because I tend to label anything associated with sexuality as bad. We are prodded to ‘stay pure’ in relationships, which causes me to polarize my thinking into anything that gives rise to sexual feelings as bad. That is such a dangerous thing to think, because sexuality is one of the greatest gifts in the world. Our sexuality ought never be repressed as if it were a bad thing. It does, however, need to be redeemed and conformed to Christ’s image.
In the same way, our desire for sex is not bad either. In fact, it is very good, but it gets us into so much trouble that it is hard to see it like that. So what is sexual desire for? It is the very present, tangible, visceral longing to be united. Christ hardwired in our very bodies a living theology, one that cries out for connection, sharing, and intimacy. We begin to anticipate each others’ thoughts, reactions, etc., and enjoy those facets of each other’s character. It is only natural, then, that we want to further that intimacy into its final stages: sexual union. In sexual union, the two actually become one. This is why we must be on our guard against sexual immorality prior to the marriage bed. With or without a girlfriend, we cannot allow our physical desire for union supplant or overshadow our spiritual desire for union. Spirituality plays on the level of the soul, which is far deeper, and therefore far more profound, than our physical desire.
I think that my friend is right. There is something in our design that plays itself out in our relationships. I have said it like this… physical intimacy, spiritual, emotional – one has to stay at bay. Especially in the beginning stages of a new relationship, physical boundaries are really important. Create boundaries early in the relationship or actually it is best to begin to create physical boundaries before the relationship.
As many of us know the physical part of a relationship is one of the more difficult areas to protect. We often ask the wrong question: “how far is too far?” That is the wrong question. The right question is what does God think is purity, holiness. Striving to live after him. Or what does it mean to glorify God in our body? This goes with everything right? You don’t ask the question.. how much pride can I act out before God gets mad. Instead it is how do I live in humility.
Read 1 Cor 6:13-20: It ends with You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. We as a culture are enslaved by sex. How do we know?
What our culture uses to sell – shows what we are enslaved to. I always feel so manipulated and shallow when a car company thinks that I am going to be more likely to buy a car because of a girl. But yet all research shows that sex sells. Therefore we have to realize that we as a culture are enslaved to it. As Paul said in Romans 6:12–14, Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal bodies....
What I find so funny is that sex in our culture is portrayed as the end all. It is the union like my friend said that we truly desire. But many of us try and use sex as a fast forward or instant gratification to that intimacy. And even sex is not the end of marriage – oneness is. It is not my ultimate satisfaction and fulfillment in marriage. My ultimate satisfaction is not found in anything earthly. My ultimate satisfaction is found in things that are heavenly… in Christ alone.
Though sin tells us to rebel against this… We are owned by God. He made us and knows what is ultimately good for us. He sent JC into the world to overcome our rebellion and to purchase us with a price. That is what the word redemption means – to be bought with a price. So Paul says glorify God in your body. That is our sole goal with our body! It is not to get as much sex as possible, it is to glorify God in your body. That is completely countercultural isn’t it? God is concerned with what you do with your body. He created them, bought them, he owns them, He indwells them and what we do with them demonstrates to the world who our Lord is.
God is pleased with sex in marriage because it is a permanent commitment. Sex therefore is the illustration of the permanent faithful union/intimacy that God has with us. Therefore sex outside of marriage does not tell a very good story about God’s love for us. I would encourage you to seek the purity that God wants in your body. And to decide that now.
But in the dating relationship, I can't stress enough that you need to COMMUNICATE about this struggle. I will assure you that it will be awkward, but it is worth it. There are all kinds of boundaries made. My old youth pastor used to say, no laying down, nothing below the neck, and nothing taken off. Those can be helpful.
Mostly I think we need to ask the question how would God be most glorified in my body? And the foundation of dating is that we love like 1 Cor 13, show grace like God has shown us, and put others interests above our own.
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