Dating - 2

Phil 2, I Cor 13 – How does scripture and love for one another change our dating life?

Usually in the beginning stages of dating, someone becomes the 30 and someone becomes the 70. Some people don’t like this little theory, but I am not saying that is always the case.

But some people like someone 30% and the other might like them 70%. I have been both. When you are the 70%, it is really hard. It doesn’t feel very good, because you put yourself out there and the other person doesn’t like you as much as you like them. When you are the 30%, you have to realize that it is often a good time to end it. They are the 70 and you are the 30. Someone told Mandy yesterday that they were a 30 and I thought it was pretty funny that it is getting out there.

As dating becomes more serious.There are different ways that the transition into serious dating happens. I know this can be frustrating because one person might want to accelerate it and the other might not. In College we called them DTR conversations – define the relationship. Then we started calling them RCF conversations – reclarifying the friendship. Those were mine. When I was the 70% in College, I told a girl that I wanted to get more serious and start dating and the conversation was not a DTR, it was RCF – a reclarify the friendship.

I understand that not everyone will agree with this statement: But I believe this is the guys’ responsibility to start this conversation to take it to the next level. I know many girls who get into this where they are ready to accelerate to serious dating and they bring it up or they really want to bring it up. Usually that puts the guy on the defensive. It may be rushing him into something that he is not sure of. If he was going to say something – you will never know. My guess is that for most of the guys – they are going to go slower than the girls. It just takes us longer to process, make decisions, and even see that we are getting to that point. And my guess is that you want him to lead out in that way in your relationship.

The physical purity question becomes harder and harder. It doesn’t get any easier. It is more important even here that you talk about how to glorify God in your body (I Cor 6). That is the answer. I think you need to talk about it in this stage of dating. I know it feels awkward, but I think it will be most effective. If you are in a relationship where you are having sex or even struggling with the physical spiral – one thing leads to another which leads to another. There is a reason – because all physical intimacy is designed to be foreplay – which is designed to be an onramp to sex. So that is why when you start down that path, your natural desires are for sex. It is really hard to put the brakes on. These are not rules for rules sake. These are things that will help your relationship if you break up and also if you get married. If you get married, you will be so glad that you waited. Your body is not your own. And in fact once you get married, your body is your spouse’s.

It is really hard to think about the future, but it takes self-controlled to think about the future instead of what we want right now. We have to remember that dating is a process of putting others interests ahead of our own. It isn’t about instant gratification like other things in our culture. It isn’t something for you to consume. It isn’t something for you to get what you want.

One of my friends wrote: The great benefit of abstaining from sexual union outside marriage is that we gain a clear grasp of need. We as Westerners are far too calloused against need; if we want it, we take it. If we want vacation now, we don’t save money for it, we go into debt and leave now. If we want a steak, we find a way to justify spending $25 on a plate, and eat. Need is a thing of the past. But need is the very thing that keeps us submitted to Christ. If we have no need, Christ goes out the door. This is one of the greatest dangers of our present-day culture.

Remember that dating is about patiently loving them, caring for their interests, thinking about the future and having self-control. Living with the same values that we would have with anyone in the community of the church.

ISSUES PHASE

As dating gets more serious, it is not only the sexual temptation that gets more difficult. When a couple has been dating for a few months, they get into what I call the issues phase. The issues phase is not bad. Most people who are in their first relationship think something is terribly wrong. What happened to how much fun we were having? We are still having fun but we are also having difficult conversations about how we treat each other. All of sudden things that you never thought would bother you start to bother you. But this is not bad. In fact I think it is part of the process of getting more serious. You are beginning to weigh the costs of dating someone. You are beginning to see what you are losing, what you are gaining and you are having all kinds of unsaid expectations.

My advice during the issues phase is to persevere and to communicate, communicate, communicate. These conversations will wear you out. Likely they will start about 10:30 when you have a 20 minute drive home and you will stay up late. It used to be that you stayed up late talking, sharing stories, laughing… now you are staying up late talking about issues, what someone did wrong, expectations. I will guarantee you that they will be hard conversations. And if in this stage, it becomes apparent that it is probably not going to work out, it is ok to end it. During the Issues phase – you learn how to communicate, how to deal with conflict. You learn expectations that you didn’t know. You understand more about some of the deeper either hurts, or experiences of the person. You also dive into dialectics - which are opposites in your personality. For example: Mandy is a task oriented person and I am a people oriented person. In this phase, you have to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Talking about Expectations is huge. Most of us unfortunately don’t know that we have expectations until after they came about. Talk about them. Tell each other what your expectation is. I have a tendency to think that almost all conflict in marriage or in dating comes about by unsaid or unmet expectations. This is the phase where sometimes dating each other will feel like work.

But also during this phase is when a lot of couples decide to break up. Either mutually or not. Don’t hang on to something if it is not working. You will know if you are trying to force it. It is best to break it off if you know that you are either settling, forcing it or trying to make something work that isn’t going to work. It will only cause more pain later.

Breaking Up

Seriously breaking up is never easy. In fact it is usually really hard. It seems like everything is ok once you have had the long talk, but then it is awkward. And some people you break up with are never not awkward. Most of us have probably experienced this in some form or fashion.

If physical intimacy has been kept at bay, breaking up is easier. No matter how much you think you can be physically intimate with someone without getting emotionally involved. Those are the break-ups that cause communities to polarize.

I call breaking up a process rather than an event. It is a process that starts before it happens with questioning, praying hopefully, reasoning, probably some conversations beforehand. And it is a process afterward too. Closure is not something that happens overnight. There is often grieving. Which leads to all kinds of emotions.

1. I’m ok emotion – feel great and not worried about it – last as short as 15 minutes on the way home or for a couple of days. Some will feel relief here, because it was something that God wanted them to do. But there will be differing levels of grief.
2. Not necessarily in this order… but then you have the “whew, I dodged the bullet of the really bad guy” emotion. He was bad at… He didn’t understand me… I think he cussed once. He combed his hair weird. Every possible bad thing comes up in the mind to try and soothe yourself. This is when sometimes you tell your friends things that aren’t helpful and sometimes friends get on the good guys team. That can be hard because if you get back together – it makes it hard for everyone.
Then it shifts to the missing them portion. Missing someone that you possibly talked to everyday. Something really funny happens and you want to email or call them, but you really can’t.
The awkwardness (“live through this and you won’t look back.”). You both stay at home for church because you want to make it easier on the other person, but then you accidentally both go to Gateway and see each other. Just kidding. Either way, at some point you show up and see each other. No one else (except for close friends) feels the awkwardness. But you both feel it. You have to get through the first meeting. Work hard at not making it awkward and it will only get easier as time goes on. Then usually the normal stages of grief. For some really hard – depending on how long you dated, etc.

At a certain place in dating and it is different for everyone – there needs to be a place where the relationship is going. Dating just to date is not something that is putting others interests above your own interests. Guys get a bad wrap for dating for too long and not having intentions. You can date for as long as right for you as a couple. Every couple is different. When we were dating, two couples that started dating the same time got engaged pretty early on. We dated for one year before we got engaged. That doesn’t mean that is right or not right. But I started feeling pressure from these couples. Don’t feel pressure. You have to be your own couple. That is one of the unique things about a dating relationship – it is yours. No one actually knows what your relationship is like.

If you are thinking about getting engaged. I think it is a good idea to get some feedback on that. I think it can be good to meet with a couple that you respect and ask them what questions you would ask them… Talk about some of your fears here. I talked to my friends about my parents divorce and Mandy and I talked about how both of our parents were divorced that we needed mentors in the area of marriage.

My Conclusion is that we typically compartmentalize things into spiritual things and unspiritual things. And for some reason, many of us think as marriage as a spiritual thing and dating as an unspiritual thing. My encouragement not only in dating but in all of life is de-compartmentalize. God is concerned with all things in your life and I think especially relationships – whether dating or the other. God is a relational God. He wants us to treat each other with mercy, grace, truth, holiness, that He has created in us. So take God into your dating. Pray about dates. Don’t just ask people about what they think is pure, ask the Lord. Seek to find God in your dating relationships. Love each person whether you date for 2 years or just 2 dates – as I cor 13 talks about and as Phil 2 talks about. Not only those you date, but all people.