Dating - the early years

Dating is a cultural thing here in America. It is not a biblical idea, but it is a cultural thing. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it is bad. So if dating is a cultural thing and not so much a biblical thing, we have to ask how does the Bible inform us in dating. Or in other words how do we as distinctively Christian people date?

I tend to think that the scriptures that talk about relationships are a good place to start. My hope is that our views of relationships in community are the same views that we take into dating. Lets look at 1 Corinthians 13: the love chapter – by the way the context of this passage is not marriage or dating – instead it is how to work together as the Body of Christ. We also look at Philippians and recognize that we are to put other's interests ahead of our own. How do we apply that in dating? That is what my purpose is here.

We have to first understand our "rules" within our community for dating. You have likely heard me say this before. If a guy asks someone on a date – that simply means “Hey I would like to get to know you better, can we go out sometime.” We put a lot of stock in ooooh… it is a “first date.” Actually it is a date. By using the word, “first” you are implying that there is a second date. When a guy asks a girl on a date or to get together. The expectation should be that we will meet once to get to know each other better. At the end of the time and the guy says thanks and doesn’t ask you out again. He is not a jerk or a player. He is simply done with his expectation of getting to know you better. And if the girl says, no thanks to a second date, she is not a jerk, she has gotten to know you better and you guys can be better friends. The hope is that this would take the expectation off of the date. Now we all realize that dating is a process that many of us hope will go further than the date. But too many guys and too many girls get a bad wrap for simply not going on another date. There is freedom in dating without a ton of expectations in the beginning.

All of that is very logical and very easy to say. But we realize that it is hard, because even if we have perfect expectations, there is something lost there. We realize that even we might need to grieve for a bit the loss of not having another date. I am not saying it is easy by any means. I am saying that these expectations will hopefully set us up better to not kill our community when someone goes out on a date.

Then as we date, we often "take it to the next level." Often times when you go on a few dates and it seems like both people like each other and you begin dating. We have funny terms don’t we…. We go on a date. Then we start dating. No wonder we are all so confused. Now dating is for some people uncharted territory and for others a place with experience and therefore expectations. One potential danger is putting expectations on the dating relationship like others in the past. If you have dated quite a bit and had several boyfriends or girlfriends – it is really hard not to compare. But I want to encourage you to let this relationship be its own thing. Each person is unique. Don’t cast past relationships on your current one. Another potential pitfall is when you haven’t dated much, there are all kinds of fantasies, expectations and maybe even some “freaking out” about how much we talk, etc. This can be taking it the extreme of “now we are dating, therefore it is like we are married.” Or the other extreme where dating seems like an afterthought. - - It is neither an afterthought or a marriage. It is a dating relationship that needs to be treated with ultimate kindness, love like 1 Cor 13, and Philippians 2.

A few things for this phase:

1. Take it slow here!!!!
a. One reason you want to take it slow here is because your salvation is not in this person. This person is not the end all. This person brings you no salvation. He/She is not the source of your value, worth. They are a person that you are dating/getting to know better.
b. You are building a relationship and you have to start with the right foundations. Conversations – (by the way, if you get married to that person – your life will be a series of conversations with that person for the rest of your life).
c. I also say this because it is hard to take it slow here. The temptation is to spend all your time with this person. I know people who have been involved here in the Singles ministry and then they start dating someone and they stop coming. (the goal here is to grow spiritually in community – things you desperately need when you are dating) – don’t abandon your community….

2. Seek out community. Get involved with community – double dates and don’t forget to stay in touch with people/friends. Make commitments to keep in touch with some guys and even to ask them to hold you to a high standard of how you treat her. Get some real friends who can speak the truth to you. It is very easy in a relationship to pick out some “yes” friends who will tell you anything you want to hear. This girl in college that I was kinda dating – my roommate was just adamant. He was like – I don’t like her. I was a little offended, but once our relationship ended, all of my other friends said the same thing. I should have listened.

3. Go places where you can talk for long hours. This is a really fun stage of dating. Go to Magnolia and eat pancakes - it is open 24 hours. Typically this is what I call the honeymoon stage of dating. Before you get to what I call the “issue phase” of dating. I will talk more about that later.

4. Be humble. The temptation is to put your best foot forward, which everyone does, but do that in a humble way. Don’t feel the need to self-promote yourself. People you want to be with can tell someone who is “self-absorbed” in the first hour of a date. You aren’t a pro at putting others interests above your own. Give each other the benefit of the doubt as you grow in your trust for each other. Also realize that trust is just that – earned. It is not something that just comes really easy.

5. We could sum all of this up with the word Holiness. I think holiness in dating is things like faithfulness, humility, love, serving and sexual purity. We often think that holiness is only purity, but in my opinion holiness which is defined as separateness involves all of these things that we have been talking about. Dating in a distinctively Christian way.

Whenever I mention the word SEX - some of us have immediate thoughts of guilt and condemnation. Others of us immediately have the alarm go off in our head and associate anything with sexuality as bad. I believe that neither of these are from God. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. Conviction is different than guilt. And sexuality is a gift from God that sin has perverted, but is not bad in and of itself.

Here are some thoughts on Sexuality from one of my single friends:
Sexuality is something that we have to talk about because we are confronted with it everyday. Sexuality is not bad. The bible says to flee sexual immorality not sexuality. For many of us, sexuality in relationships is very difficult because I tend to label anything associated with sexuality as bad. We are prodded to ‘stay pure’ in relationships, which causes me to polarize my thinking into anything that gives rise to sexual feelings as bad. That is such a dangerous thing to think, because sexuality is one of the greatest gifts in the world. Our sexuality ought never be repressed as if it were a bad thing. It does, however, need to be redeemed and conformed to Christ’s image.

In the same way, our desire for sex is not bad either. In fact, it is very good, but it gets us into so much trouble that it is hard to see it like that. So what is sexual desire for? It is the very present, tangible, visceral longing to be united. Christ hardwired in our very bodies a living theology, one that cries out for connection, sharing, and intimacy. We begin to anticipate each others’ thoughts, reactions, etc., and enjoy those facets of each other’s character. It is only natural, then, that we want to further that intimacy into its final stages: sexual union. In sexual union, the two actually become one. This is why we must be on our guard against sexual immorality prior to the marriage bed. With or without a girlfriend, we cannot allow our physical desire for union supplant or overshadow our spiritual desire for union. Spirituality plays on the level of the soul, which is far deeper, and therefore far more profound, than our physical desire.

I think that my friend is right. There is something in our design that plays itself out in our relationships. I have said it like this… physical intimacy, spiritual, emotional – one has to stay at bay. Especially in the beginning stages of a new relationship, physical boundaries are really important. Create boundaries early in the relationship or actually it is best to begin to create physical boundaries before the relationship.

As many of us know the physical part of a relationship is one of the more difficult areas to protect. We often ask the wrong question: “how far is too far?” That is the wrong question. The right question is what does God think is purity, holiness. Striving to live after him. Or what does it mean to glorify God in our body? This goes with everything right? You don’t ask the question.. how much pride can I act out before God gets mad. Instead it is how do I live in humility.

Read 1 Cor 6:13-20: It ends with You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. We as a culture are enslaved by sex. How do we know?
What our culture uses to sell – shows what we are enslaved to. I always feel so manipulated and shallow when a car company thinks that I am going to be more likely to buy a car because of a girl. But yet all research shows that sex sells. Therefore we have to realize that we as a culture are enslaved to it. As Paul said in Romans 6:12–14, Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal bodies....

What I find so funny is that sex in our culture is portrayed as the end all. It is the union like my friend said that we truly desire. But many of us try and use sex as a fast forward or instant gratification to that intimacy. And even sex is not the end of marriage – oneness is. It is not my ultimate satisfaction and fulfillment in marriage. My ultimate satisfaction is not found in anything earthly. My ultimate satisfaction is found in things that are heavenly… in Christ alone.

Though sin tells us to rebel against this… We are owned by God. He made us and knows what is ultimately good for us. He sent JC into the world to overcome our rebellion and to purchase us with a price. That is what the word redemption means – to be bought with a price. So Paul says glorify God in your body. That is our sole goal with our body! It is not to get as much sex as possible, it is to glorify God in your body. That is completely countercultural isn’t it? God is concerned with what you do with your body. He created them, bought them, he owns them, He indwells them and what we do with them demonstrates to the world who our Lord is.

God is pleased with sex in marriage because it is a permanent commitment. Sex therefore is the illustration of the permanent faithful union/intimacy that God has with us. Therefore sex outside of marriage does not tell a very good story about God’s love for us. I would encourage you to seek the purity that God wants in your body. And to decide that now.

But in the dating relationship, I can't stress enough that you need to COMMUNICATE about this struggle. I will assure you that it will be awkward, but it is worth it. There are all kinds of boundaries made. My old youth pastor used to say, no laying down, nothing below the neck, and nothing taken off. Those can be helpful.

Mostly I think we need to ask the question how would God be most glorified in my body? And the foundation of dating is that we love like 1 Cor 13, show grace like God has shown us, and put others interests above our own.